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ontd_footballThe scene is set, the twenty teams begin their quest for glory, European qualification, recognition and survival. The Premier League season is about to begin and lots of drama awaits the plucky 20-something millionaires.
SCENE: THE HOME DRESSING ROOM AT THE EMIRATES
Arsene Wenger is addressing his team, they've just gone down 2-0 at home to West Brom.
Arsene: We can do this. We will win the title before this century ends. I have no doubt about it. We have fought, we have changed our team unlike some others I could mention, but won't. We are much better this season than we have been in a long time.
IN THE CORNER OF THE DRESSING ROOM, CESC FABREGAS THE CAPTAIN IS NOT LISTENING. THE VOICE OF THE GAFFER TRYING TO MAKE EXCUSES AGAIN DROWNS AWAY AND THE SPOTLIGHTS TURN TO THE UNHAPPY SPANIARD.
Cesc: (sighs and pulls out a picture of XAVI celebrating the LA LIGA title, he looks back to his manager, looks around his dressing room and back to the picture.)
MUSICAL NUMBER
(1:01 & 2:29)
WON'T BE A LOSER ANYMORE LIKE THE LAST TIME AND THE TIME BEFORE. MAYBE THIS TIME, I'LL GET LUCKY MAYBE THIS TIME I'LL WIN.
(CESC sits back down, the lights come back on for the whole dressing room)
Arsene: Right, we go out there and win. We win.
ARSENAL players cheer and walk out of the dressing room.
SCENE: Manchester City's Carrington training ground.
(BOBBY MANC and MARIO BALOTELLI are locked in a furious argument.)
Bobby: You don't pass to people who are in better positions than you?
(BOBBY throws a water bottle at the wall and straightens up his scarf)
Mario: But...But I'm better than everyone.
Bobby: That's not necessarily true, you think you are but you're probably the worst mistake I've made.
Mario: No (angry) this is the worst mistake I've made. I should have stayed at Inter and picked fights with Materrazi.
Bobby: (hands on hips) I'm fed up with defending you lot in the media everytime you have a training ground fight. How can I just keep denying that nothing is going on, when I turn my back, you're all trying to murder each other.
MARIO shrugs his shoulders and turns to leave.
Bobby: See? (waving arms in the air) See what I have to work with?
(he yells after MARIO)
Smile for god's sake, it won't kill you either.
MARIO slams the door and stands with his back against the wall, looking to the heavens. He wonders why everyone thinks he's a miserable soul then turns to walk down the corridor back to his team mates.
Musical number.
(0:00- 0:42)
NOBODY KNOWS BUT ME, THAT I SOMETIMES CRY. WHEN I FALL ASLEEP, MY TEARS START TO FALL I PEEK OUT FROM BEHIND THESE WALLS, I THINK NOBODY KNOWS BUT ME.
Somewhere in Newcastle.
ANDY CARROLL has just been arrested and released on bail, KEVIN NOLAN waits for him outside the police station.
Andy: (crying) I don't know what came over me, like. I was okay and suddenly this glass was is my hand and ah slammed it into her. Ah slammed it. Ah've only been in the Premier League for two minutes and ah've started acting up. It's so hard. It's so hard.
(KEVIN stretches out his arms and ANDY goes to him and hugs him. ANDY cries in KEVIN's arms. KEVIN pats him on the head like the misguided baby he is.)
Kevin: It's alright, Andy. You're still the best striker since -
Andy: (looking up at KEVIN) Shearer?
Kevin: (clearly doesn't know much about NEWCASTLE's history) Er, yeah. Yeah, if you want. Look, it'll be all okay, you just need to sleep it off and you'll be fine, Andy. I'll help you.
(1:11)
Andy: Aw, thanks Kev. Thanks for bailing me out.
Kevin: Shall we go home now? You have to read bedtime stories to my kids.
Andy: (glazy eyed) Yeah...yeah we should.
EXIT STAGE RIGHT together, KEVIN and ANDY go home to KEVIN's where Andy spends the next couple of weeks due to bizarre bail conditions.
SCENE: Blackpool's IAN HOLLOWAY is answering questions at the press conference. Journalists keep harranging him about the lack of money his club has.
Ian: Alright, I'm not the puppet of some Middle Eastern Sheikh, yeah I get it, you don't have to keep ramming it down my throat. I'm doing what I can with what I've got and what I've got Mr Journalist, is a team full of players who want to be here. Playing in the Premier League. With your Chelseas and Man Uniteds. My boys earn less than the amount required to buy Samir Nasri's little toe but I don't complain? Do you hear me complaining? No, no you don't. We don't have vast amounts of money. And we're doing pretty well thank you very much so off you toddle.
Blackpool rep: Are there any more questions for Mr Holloway? No. Okay then. Thankyou for coming today, we'll see you next week.
(The assembled journalists begin to leave. HOLLOWAY remains seated)
Ian: Who do they think they are? Money doesn't interest me, but who am I to say that? I'd love money for my squad, there's no doubt about that who wouldn't.
(take your pick)
Cleaner: Er, Mr Holloway, are you done?
Ian: Yeah. Yeah I am.
SCENE: Stamford Bridge and CHELSEA are losing at home again. CARLO ANCELOTTI stands on the sidelines in the pouring rain and puts his head in his hands.
Carlo: Not again. Please God, not again.
(The final whistle goes and 3pts have been lost)
CARLO looks up to the stands where ROMAN is sitting, his heart sinks because he knows the drill at Chelsea. ROMAN looks at CARLO and makes a face which expresses his feelings which are somewhere along the lines of 'sorry mate'.
CARLO walks down the tunnel alone, the cheering of the fans of the winning team drowned out by the boos for Chelsea. He walks into the dressing room, anticipating the soft clicking of football boot studs on tiles. He puts his arms behind his head and stares at the white walls ahead of him. There's nothing left, he's a beaten man and he knows it's not his fault.
Carlo: (mutters to himself) If Roman can do a better job managing a football team, he should get down here and do it. I'm so fed up of shouldering the mess everytime he tinkers with the squad. That's my job. (jumping up and down on the spot) That's my goddamn job! I'm fed up with him crushing the dreams of this club, making me his puppet. I don't like it, I'm Carlo Ancelotti for Christ's sake, an Italian- no WORLD football legend. If he thinks he can control me and my mind, he's got another thing coming.
SCENE: Chigwell where HARRY REDKNAPP has just broken the news to his team that the club are going to bid for David Beckham in the January transfer window. The team exchange glances which range from excitement, to indifference and worry. DAVID BENTLEY and AARON LENNON exchange worried glances.
Harry: So, I fink, we need a good old lift. Something to lift the spirits and keep us going, eh. I think the answer is Becks. I bloody love Becks don't you? I can talk about him till the cows come home. I think he's amazing.
DAVID and AARON look at each other. They're both thinking about the same thing, what happens to them in this deal.
Harry: So, Becks coming here would help some of the young un's train and stuff, yeah. I just bloody love Becks. I do. I do. I do. (turning to David Bentley) Oh, are you okay today? Thought you might have pulled a muscle that doesn't exist or something, it's Friday morning Bents, aren't you supposed to be in physio already or something? (laughs heartily and starts to leave the room) Oh, I crack me up.
HARRY walks around the corner and catches GARETH BALE messing around with his hair and posing in a mirror
Harry: Oi! How many times?! Get your hands out your barnet and go out there practising free kicks with the rest of em. Go on.
HARRY waits until GARETH has gone
Harry: Christ Almighty. That lad.
HARRY turns in the opposite direction and walks to his office while GARETH, thinking it's safe returns to the mirror.
Gareth: (concentrating hard while trying to make sure there's not one hair out of place in his quiff) Ah, there we go. (looking at himself in the mirror) I'm perfect. I'm so perfect it hurts.
Musical number.
(take your pick but, "I'm too sexy for Milan...")
HARRY peeks out from behind his office door, GARETH is quick and starts to head off to join the rest of the team.
SCENE: Back in the dressing room, AARON and DAVID are comforting each other.
Aaron: (tears visibly falling down his face) How..how can he? He's...he's after my England place and now he's..he's going to push me out of my club? I don't want this. I hate it. I hate it!
David: Shhh! It's okay. It's okay. I knew my time was up a long time ago, sometime after throwing a water barrel over the gaffer to be honest with you.
Aaron: but...but I've been here ages. I deserve my place.
DAVID looks at AARON and tells him
David: I know what it's like being out of favour with the gaffer. It's okay, it'll get better, don't worry. I'll tell you a story, it'll make you feel better.
Aaron: Are you sure?
David: Yeah, yeah. Don't cry. Shhhh.
(0:49)
End of Part 1, Part 2 coming soon.
SCENE: THE HOME DRESSING ROOM AT THE EMIRATES
Arsene Wenger is addressing his team, they've just gone down 2-0 at home to West Brom.
Arsene: We can do this. We will win the title before this century ends. I have no doubt about it. We have fought, we have changed our team unlike some others I could mention, but won't. We are much better this season than we have been in a long time.
IN THE CORNER OF THE DRESSING ROOM, CESC FABREGAS THE CAPTAIN IS NOT LISTENING. THE VOICE OF THE GAFFER TRYING TO MAKE EXCUSES AGAIN DROWNS AWAY AND THE SPOTLIGHTS TURN TO THE UNHAPPY SPANIARD.
Cesc: (sighs and pulls out a picture of XAVI celebrating the LA LIGA title, he looks back to his manager, looks around his dressing room and back to the picture.)
MUSICAL NUMBER
(1:01 & 2:29)
WON'T BE A LOSER ANYMORE LIKE THE LAST TIME AND THE TIME BEFORE. MAYBE THIS TIME, I'LL GET LUCKY MAYBE THIS TIME I'LL WIN.
(CESC sits back down, the lights come back on for the whole dressing room)
Arsene: Right, we go out there and win. We win.
ARSENAL players cheer and walk out of the dressing room.
SCENE: Manchester City's Carrington training ground.
(BOBBY MANC and MARIO BALOTELLI are locked in a furious argument.)
Bobby: You don't pass to people who are in better positions than you?
(BOBBY throws a water bottle at the wall and straightens up his scarf)
Mario: But...But I'm better than everyone.
Bobby: That's not necessarily true, you think you are but you're probably the worst mistake I've made.
Mario: No (angry) this is the worst mistake I've made. I should have stayed at Inter and picked fights with Materrazi.
Bobby: (hands on hips) I'm fed up with defending you lot in the media everytime you have a training ground fight. How can I just keep denying that nothing is going on, when I turn my back, you're all trying to murder each other.
MARIO shrugs his shoulders and turns to leave.
Bobby: See? (waving arms in the air) See what I have to work with?
(he yells after MARIO)
Smile for god's sake, it won't kill you either.
MARIO slams the door and stands with his back against the wall, looking to the heavens. He wonders why everyone thinks he's a miserable soul then turns to walk down the corridor back to his team mates.
Musical number.
(0:00- 0:42)
NOBODY KNOWS BUT ME, THAT I SOMETIMES CRY. WHEN I FALL ASLEEP, MY TEARS START TO FALL I PEEK OUT FROM BEHIND THESE WALLS, I THINK NOBODY KNOWS BUT ME.
Somewhere in Newcastle.
ANDY CARROLL has just been arrested and released on bail, KEVIN NOLAN waits for him outside the police station.
Andy: (crying) I don't know what came over me, like. I was okay and suddenly this glass was is my hand and ah slammed it into her. Ah slammed it. Ah've only been in the Premier League for two minutes and ah've started acting up. It's so hard. It's so hard.
(KEVIN stretches out his arms and ANDY goes to him and hugs him. ANDY cries in KEVIN's arms. KEVIN pats him on the head like the misguided baby he is.)
Kevin: It's alright, Andy. You're still the best striker since -
Andy: (looking up at KEVIN) Shearer?
Kevin: (clearly doesn't know much about NEWCASTLE's history) Er, yeah. Yeah, if you want. Look, it'll be all okay, you just need to sleep it off and you'll be fine, Andy. I'll help you.
Andy: You will?
Kevin: Yeah.
(takes ANDY's face in his hands, dries the tears and sings to him)
(1:11)
Andy: Aw, thanks Kev. Thanks for bailing me out.
Kevin: Shall we go home now? You have to read bedtime stories to my kids.
Andy: (glazy eyed) Yeah...yeah we should.
EXIT STAGE RIGHT together, KEVIN and ANDY go home to KEVIN's where Andy spends the next couple of weeks due to bizarre bail conditions.
SCENE: Blackpool's IAN HOLLOWAY is answering questions at the press conference. Journalists keep harranging him about the lack of money his club has.
Ian: Alright, I'm not the puppet of some Middle Eastern Sheikh, yeah I get it, you don't have to keep ramming it down my throat. I'm doing what I can with what I've got and what I've got Mr Journalist, is a team full of players who want to be here. Playing in the Premier League. With your Chelseas and Man Uniteds. My boys earn less than the amount required to buy Samir Nasri's little toe but I don't complain? Do you hear me complaining? No, no you don't. We don't have vast amounts of money. And we're doing pretty well thank you very much so off you toddle.
Blackpool rep: Are there any more questions for Mr Holloway? No. Okay then. Thankyou for coming today, we'll see you next week.
(The assembled journalists begin to leave. HOLLOWAY remains seated)
Ian: Who do they think they are? Money doesn't interest me, but who am I to say that? I'd love money for my squad, there's no doubt about that who wouldn't.
(take your pick)
Cleaner: Er, Mr Holloway, are you done?
Ian: Yeah. Yeah I am.
SCENE: Stamford Bridge and CHELSEA are losing at home again. CARLO ANCELOTTI stands on the sidelines in the pouring rain and puts his head in his hands.
Carlo: Not again. Please God, not again.
(The final whistle goes and 3pts have been lost)
CARLO looks up to the stands where ROMAN is sitting, his heart sinks because he knows the drill at Chelsea. ROMAN looks at CARLO and makes a face which expresses his feelings which are somewhere along the lines of 'sorry mate'.
CARLO walks down the tunnel alone, the cheering of the fans of the winning team drowned out by the boos for Chelsea. He walks into the dressing room, anticipating the soft clicking of football boot studs on tiles. He puts his arms behind his head and stares at the white walls ahead of him. There's nothing left, he's a beaten man and he knows it's not his fault.
Carlo: (mutters to himself) If Roman can do a better job managing a football team, he should get down here and do it. I'm so fed up of shouldering the mess everytime he tinkers with the squad. That's my job. (jumping up and down on the spot) That's my goddamn job! I'm fed up with him crushing the dreams of this club, making me his puppet. I don't like it, I'm Carlo Ancelotti for Christ's sake, an Italian- no WORLD football legend. If he thinks he can control me and my mind, he's got another thing coming.
SCENE: Chigwell where HARRY REDKNAPP has just broken the news to his team that the club are going to bid for David Beckham in the January transfer window. The team exchange glances which range from excitement, to indifference and worry. DAVID BENTLEY and AARON LENNON exchange worried glances.
Harry: So, I fink, we need a good old lift. Something to lift the spirits and keep us going, eh. I think the answer is Becks. I bloody love Becks don't you? I can talk about him till the cows come home. I think he's amazing.
DAVID and AARON look at each other. They're both thinking about the same thing, what happens to them in this deal.
Harry: So, Becks coming here would help some of the young un's train and stuff, yeah. I just bloody love Becks. I do. I do. I do. (turning to David Bentley) Oh, are you okay today? Thought you might have pulled a muscle that doesn't exist or something, it's Friday morning Bents, aren't you supposed to be in physio already or something? (laughs heartily and starts to leave the room) Oh, I crack me up.
HARRY walks around the corner and catches GARETH BALE messing around with his hair and posing in a mirror
Harry: Oi! How many times?! Get your hands out your barnet and go out there practising free kicks with the rest of em. Go on.
HARRY waits until GARETH has gone
Harry: Christ Almighty. That lad.
HARRY turns in the opposite direction and walks to his office while GARETH, thinking it's safe returns to the mirror.
Gareth: (concentrating hard while trying to make sure there's not one hair out of place in his quiff) Ah, there we go. (looking at himself in the mirror) I'm perfect. I'm so perfect it hurts.
Musical number.
(take your pick but, "I'm too sexy for Milan...")
HARRY peeks out from behind his office door, GARETH is quick and starts to head off to join the rest of the team.
SCENE: Back in the dressing room, AARON and DAVID are comforting each other.
Aaron: (tears visibly falling down his face) How..how can he? He's...he's after my England place and now he's..he's going to push me out of my club? I don't want this. I hate it. I hate it!
David: Shhh! It's okay. It's okay. I knew my time was up a long time ago, sometime after throwing a water barrel over the gaffer to be honest with you.
Aaron: but...but I've been here ages. I deserve my place.
DAVID looks at AARON and tells him
David: I know what it's like being out of favour with the gaffer. It's okay, it'll get better, don't worry. I'll tell you a story, it'll make you feel better.
Aaron: Are you sure?
David: Yeah, yeah. Don't cry. Shhhh.
(0:49)
End of Part 1, Part 2 coming soon.
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